So Apparently my list of 101 Mingle Tips has not solved all of the dating and social skills problems in the world. There are still a lot of lonely, poorly mannered, and socially uncomfortable people out there. So here I am. Back with more tips for you.
I have decided to give updates and new information on each of my original 101 Tips For Social Success With Class.
You can find the updates in blue italics at the end of the original post at the bottom of this page. Happy mingling!
Some people are really good at talking to strangers. Many are also good at getting phone numbers from people they may want to date. There are much fewer people, though, who can get a phone number and successfully take it from there to the dating stage. This brings me to my tip for today:
MINGLE TIP #76: KNOW HOW TO GO FROM PHONE NUMBER TO DATE
So many people mess things up when it gets to this point, especially men. The fact is that it is not really that complicated. So here is my secret:
The most important thing that you should do after you get a woman's phone number is to try to make her comfortable with you before you ask her out.
Comfort is the key. Most women do not want to see you again until they are sure that they can be safe with you. Without comfort you are in danger of ruining the good vibe that you had when you first met. Once you have helped her reach a level of comfort, then and only then should you try to meet her again or take things further.
Here are a few suggestions for things to do to try to build comfort (from most comfortable to least):
*Meeting for coffee
*Meeting for an event
*Dinner (or other date-like activity)
Here are some more thoughts:
(1) Realize that a lot of women have a fear of strangers. My study of dating and social skills has given me an appreciation for the fears that a lot of women have when it comes to meeting new men. I don't think most guys know about this. Many women see men as a potential threat, at least until they know them well enough to trust them. This is one reason why building comfort is so important.
(2) Don't assume a woman is eager to go out with you just because she gave you her number. The fact that a woman gave you her phone number is not a guarantee that she is totally comfortable with you. Don't assume that she is. You should be paying attention after you get in touch with her to figure out when the timing is best to ask her out.
(3) Don't get in a big hurry. The amount of time it takes to make a woman comfortable may be different for different people. Don't make yourself look like a pushy, desperate fool who's in a big hurry to get her out for a date. Take your time and be as patient as you need to be.
On the other hand, you also don't want to take too long before asking her out. You still want her to remember who you are and the good connection that the two of you had. If in doubt, though, wait longer.
(4) Understand that some women will change their minds about you no matter what you do. Most women are looking for a connection just like men are. Sometimes they may change their mind about you even if you do everything right, though. Remember--dating should be about finding a good connection, not about trying to do everything right to try to win someone over.
(5) Don't judge a woman who decides not to go out with you. I hear it all the time. Men make comments like "That woman was just rude. She gave me her number and then didn't call me back." I would be lying if I didn't say that there aren't rude people out there--both men and women. But I think that most of the times that women gives their numbers out and then turn a guy down are because he didn't take enough time to make them comfortable.
So, the key is to be casual at first and do whatever it takes to make her comfortable before you try to arrange that next meeting. Don't get pushy. Give yourself the best chance for success.
UPDATE: Contrary to popular belief, what you do after you get a phone number is by far the most important (and challenging) part of the mingle process. A lot of dating advice focuses on how to get a phone number, as if you have won something when you make that happen. Unless you are just trying to collect numbers as trophies, though, this is only a part of the story. Getting to the date is really what is most important. So stop celebrating every time you get a number. It doesn't matter. That is just one step. You have only really accomplished something when you can make someone comfortable and interested enough to actually see you again.
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